The Authentic Love Podcast

Codependency vs Hyper Independence - How To Create Healthy Relationship Bonds

• Season 1 • Episode 5

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The journey from co-dependency to empowerment is not easy - but one challenge that isn't being talked about is the (very real) danger of becoming "too" empowered.

Hyper-independence has just as many relationship pitfalls as its disempowered counterpart, co-dependence. Yet, many empowerment industries are pushing this new mindset with no regard for the significant problems it creates in relationships.

Join me, dating and relationship coach Natalie Ford, as I talk about why empowerment is necessary, how to recognise hyper-independence when you hit it and how to create healthy relationship bonds so you can finally create lasting love.

I cover questions such as:
- What Is Self-Love?
- How Does Co-dependency Impact Your Relationship?
- What Is Over-Functioning?
- What Is Hyper-Independence?
- The Traits Of An Empowered Woman
- How To Avoid The Empowerment "Trap"
- The Difference Between Co-dependency And Healthy Bonding
- The Difference Between Trauma Bonds And Healthy Bonding
- How To Know If You're In A Trauma Bond Relationship

I mention my previous episode about respecting your man - here's the link for that: https://natalie-ford.buzzsprout.com/2017222/11013206-respect-the-key-to-keeping-a-conscious-alpha-man

And here's the article on Medium that I refer to: How I Finally Broke The Trauma Loop & Created My Dream Relationship

Want to work with me? Learn more here: https://natalie-ford.com/

Help women worldwide find their Happy Ever After - please like, subscribe and share this episode to get our message out!

Got a question? Ask me on my YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/@iamnatalieford

Now, there are a lot of empowerment teachings out there that are really pushing this extreme hyper individualism, and extreme hyper independence, where you are encouraged to be completely responsible for every single aspect of your emotional experience, and all of your needs. And you must not take any responsibility whatsoever for any of your partner's emotional experience or their needs. But the reality is this simply does not work in relationship. There is no room for intimate bonding to be built. There is no room for trust to develop, because there is no sense of reliance or dependability. So, in today's episode, I explore how do you walk this tightrope between codependency and trauma bonding, and hyper independence and hyper individualism? How do you find the healthy ground, what I call appropriate bonding? Hello! And welcome to the Enchanted Love podcast. I'm your host. My name is Natalie Ford. I am a dating and relationship coach. I specialise in working with strong, independent women who are ready to let down the defenses that have caused them to reject, repel, and sabotage love, so that they can finally call in their forever man. In the previous episode, I explored why the men take space and get distant when we, the women in the relationship, are experiencing some sort of emotional reaction to something. This is a really important episode to listen to if you have ever found yourself in a dynamic where you feel like your man is just giving you space and distance, and he's just out of reach and you don't know why. That episode gives you the key to not only work out why, but how to overcome the challenges that occur in that. That episode was called, 'Why Your Man Gets Distant When You're Not Saying How You Feel.' So, go check that one out if you've had that experience and you want to know how to deal with it better. Today we are talking about appropriate bonding in relationships and how hyper independence can keep you single because it stops you being able to actually really drop into the intimacy and the connection required for a relationship to last long term. Now, the reason why we end up in this trap is because most of us have come from a background of the pain of codependency or the pain of trauma bonding. And we've gone on this empowerment journey to discover our boundaries, discover our individuation, and to stop over functioning, to stop taking responsibility for others that is not ours. And a lot of these teachings lead us to believe that the only way to take care of ourselves is actually to reject any type of responsibility in relationship. And I am here to tell you that that is not true. So, let's look at the reasons why we go on this journey. We've been in relationships in the past. You know, perhaps it started with our parents, perhaps it started with our siblings, perhaps it started in our early relationships where we felt really insecure in relationship. We doubted ourselves a lot when we were around our partners. We questioned if we were doing the right thing. We were worried about upsetting them. We felt anxious if that person took space or time away from us, or if they got angry or upset in the relationship. We took it on board as something that we had done, that we had created, that we were responsible for. This in turn means that we become scared to speak our truth. We ended up walking on eggshells. We ended up finding that we feel like we're in a boat in the ocean, and we're really scared to tip the balance in case the boat flips over, and we get ejected from the relationship. We become scared of saying no in case it evokes a fight. We become very scared that if we do anything which is not meeting the needs of the other person, in somehow daring to look after ourselves and daring to put ourselves first, rather than to put the other person first, which is all that codependency is about, we get really scared that they're going to leave us. So, codependency, in a nutshell, is putting somebody else's needs before your own, and even sacrificing your own needs in relationship in order to satisfy those of the other. And this breeds resentment, anger, and frustration ultimately because of codependency, because of this dynamic where we feel that staying in the relationship is the most important piece, more important than taking care of ourselves. And this will have come from a young place, a young age where you will have had this modelled to you, where you didn't have it modelled to you that it was okay to take care of your needs and be in relationship. You had it modelled to you that you needed to sacrifice your own needs in order to be in relationship. And this results in your needs not getting met, putting the other person repeatedly first, always giving, over giving. You end up giving from an empty cup, which then means that you are exhausted and burned out and you're not giving freely, with love. You are giving from resentment, anger, and frustration. And it also means that you have been conditioned to not allow yourself to receive. Because in a codependent dynamic you are carrying the belief that for you to have your needs met somehow means that you are not loving the other person. This means that you are unable to receive and your needs very rarely get met, or, if they do, they're secondary to everybody else's. Which just leads to a really, really unsatisfying way about being in relationship. You end up feeling massively undervalued, underappreciated. And as a result of this, it actually throws you out of integrity because it causes you to run a lot of fear-based thoughts, a lot of thoughts around...'If I don't do this, he's going to be angry with me'...'If I don't do this, he's going to leave me'...'If I don't do this, he's not going to love me anymore'...'If I dare to stand up for myself and say 'no', I'm going to be abandoned or I'm going to be rejected.' So we end up being very anxious, very fear-based. Everything becomes about not wanting to rock the boat, trying desperately to walk on eggshells, keep the stability of the relationship, and we end up trying to control everything so that our sense of safety remains intact. Now, as you probably know, if you have been on the receiving end of somebody trying to control you, it feels really horrible. Underneath us, trying to control everything, is a deep sense within us that actually we are completely out of control. Everything is happening beyond our influence and there's a real risk with that, in this fear-based mindset, that if all of these things are happening that we don't have control over, because actually this is a very powerless position to be in, then this deep sense of feeling that we don't have any influence and we are completely out of control is very, very destabilizing for a nervous system because we have this sense that anything could go wrong at any time. In which case, that very precariously balanced boat in the middle of the ocean could flip over at any time and eject us from the relationship. But, as you probably know, from having experienced this yourself, being in this very disempowered feeling, out of control, desperately clinging on to try to control... that can look like always being the one to dominate in, say, the kitchen. Or always being the one to dominate conversations. Or always being the one to organise every aspect of an outing to make sure that nothing gets forgotten, and nothing goes wrong, and nothing could possibly be out of place that would then come back to bite you and result in you experiencing pain. So, all of these controlling behaviors are an attempt to avoid pain, rejection, abandonment. But, as you will have experienced from both being in that dynamic and, I'm sure, actually having been recipient of that dynamic as well, it makes you feel like a not very nice person. It's not who you want to be. You might catch yourself. You might step outside of yourself and just be like...'I don't like the way I'm showing up....''I don't like that I'm taking so much responsibility for everything...''I don't like that I am shouting, and demanding, and unable to just go with the flow and just let people be how they are..'.'Like, I have to control how people speak to me. I have to control how people behave around me.''I have to chase people to make sure that they get things done.' And you catch yourself and you're just like, 'This sucks! Why am I showing up like this?''This is not my joy. This is not my pleasure.' And yet you don't know how to break the cycle. You feel out of integrity. You don't even like the version of yourself that is showing up. And this really negatively impacts how you feel about yourself. It creates a very low sense of self-esteem, and it results in you having really insecure-feeling relationships. You can never find that happy place where you just sit in a relationship, and know with certainty that the person that you're in a relationship with thinks highly of you, wants to be around you, loves spending time with you, has your best interests at heart, genuinely enjoys your company, and thinks the world of you, and has got your back, and wants a future with you. When you can truly rest in all of those things, it's an absolutely incredible, delicious feeling. But when you are codependent, and insecure, and fear-based, and controlling, that is not your experience. So, most of us have been on this journey, and we get to the point where we're like, 'Something has to change. I can't do this anymore.' And this is where we typically start to discover our journey to empowerment. The journey to empowerment typically starts with learning about boundaries and self love. We start to realize that actually, we're running a really negative inner narrative, what we call the inner critic. And the more this inner critic has control over our thought process, the more detrimental it is to us. The more we feel insecure, the more the inner critic starts to reaffirm and berate us, and tell us how we shouldn't feel so insecure, we should be more confident. We shouldn't be having all these silly thoughts. We shouldn't be questioning ourselves. We should just 'get over it.' We should be stronger. It can be a very negative spiral that we go down, and this negative inner critic can really take the wind out of our sails. So, when we start this journey to empowerment, learning to shift this negative inner critic is one of the first things that we do. And this is what we call 'beginning to learn self love'. Ultimately, self love is just self kindness and self acceptance. Along this journey as well, we learn about boundaries, because one of the first boundaries we have to erect is with our own inner critic. We have to say to their inner voice, 'No! Stop it! I won't take this anymore. I deserve better!' And we also need to erect these type of boundaries externally as well. We need to look at where are we accepting less than we deserve in our relationships. Now, coming from a codependent mindset, one of your biggest enemies, if you will, is taking too much responsibility for things, taking responsibility for things that are not yours to take responsibility for. That typically looks like... doing things which actually should be left for somebody else to do, because it is appropriate for them to do that. And it looks like altering your behavior so that you don't have an impact on somebody else in a way that is going to cause them to have an emotional experience which is undesirable. So in that way, you start to take responsibility for somebody else's emotional experience That might be not saying your real truth because you know it might hurt somebody. Now, whilst this can come from a good place, and you'll actually see later in this live stream that it is also part of creating appropriate bonding and healthy relating, when we do it from a place of fear, it is disempowered, codependent behavior. So, we call this, 'taking too much responsibility', particularly going over and above what is needed and what is required from you in order that somebody else doesn't need to do something, which, underneath the hood, is because it's actually too painful for you to allow that thing to be left undone. We call this 'over functioning' and over functioning is a prime symptom of codependent behavior. So, we have to learn, on our journey of empowerment, not to take responsibility for things which are not ours. That means recognising where we stop and where another person starts. We could frame it a different way and say...'recognising the boundary at which we as a human are defined, and recognising the boundary at which somebody else must start. to take responsibility for themselves, both in terms of action and in terms of emotional responsibility. So you can see very much how taking responsibility, boundaries, and over functioning all work together in both codependency and the recovery from codependency. So, we typically go on this journey to reverse all of these parts and we become super empowered. We learn to master our insecurities, which is the transformation of the inner critic. We learned to alchemize that voice that has in the past been so incredibly detrimental to us, to actually transform it to be a supportive voice that champions us. We become boundaried in both what we take responsibility for, and what we are willing to accept or tolerate in our life. This comes together with clear communication. So this is things like saying 'No' when somebody invites you to an event that you just don't want to go to, or perhaps you do want to go to, but actually, you've just got too much on your schedule and actually, it would take you into overwhelm to do that. It's saying 'No' to things like... if somebody touches you in a way that does not feel good for you, even if it's just putting a hand on your shoulder or having a cheeky slap of your bum, it's confidently and clearly letting that person know, 'Hey! That's not okay for me!' That might just mean gently removing their hand from your shoulder or it might be grabbing the hand that just slaps your arse, and looking them directly in the eyes with a look that says...'You do that again and I'm going to kill you.' Either way, you're letting it be known what is appropriate and not appropriate for you in your space. You are setting boundaries around your own personal space, and stepping into your warrior by declaring...'This is my personal space. And if you're going to step into this space, first of all, you need my permission, my consent.''And secondly, you need to behave in a way which I am in agreement with.' We also learn as part of clear communication about expressing our own needs, because when we start to not take responsibility for others, we must also learn to take responsibility for ourselves. Hands up if you have been on a journey of learning to take responsibility for yourself and ask for your own needs to be met. Learning to express our own needs requires us to get really deeply honest with our self about what our needs are and then going through the vulnerability of actually exposing that need publicly to the other person. For example, saying something like...'I feel really vulnerable right now. I would love a hug.' and being open to receive both answers from the person that you're asking. That person may say, 'Of course!' and come over and hug you. Or they might say, 'Actually, I'm not feeling open to hugging you right now' for whatever their reasons are. It could be a number of things. But we have to be willing in our vulnerability of exposing our needs, to receive both a meeting of our needs and a not meeting of our needs. Through an empowerment journey, particularly with a lot of the empowerment modalities and healing modalities that are out there right now. There's a real emphasis on taking this to the Nth degree. And I think there can also be a tendency that if we have been at one end of the spectrum, we need to work out where the other end of the spectrum is to learn how to come back to the middle. So, I don't want to shame anybody, including myself, who has been on this journey of going into a space of not wanting to take responsibility for anybody or anything. And this really comes from a polarisation of having taken responsibility for everybody and everything in our past, which was highly damaging to us, highly detrimental to our mental and emotional wellbeing. So, it is very understandable that you would go to the extreme opposite of saying...'Actually, no, no! I'm not going to do that anymore because last time I did that, I got really, really hurt.' However, this is where there is a real danger of rejecting intimacy, and love, and bonding in relationships. We can also become so hyper independent that as well as not wanting to take any responsibility for anybody else's experience, which can look like...'I can show up however I want to, and however it impacts you, you just have to deal with it.''I'm allowed to be whoever I want to be, however, I want to be, and you just have to deal with your emotions because they are not my responsibility!' The flip side of this is that I also need to be able to be on the other side of this conversation. Which means that if somebody is just being themselves and expressing however they want to express, and going about their everyday life, and if that is having an impact on me that is painful, then I need to be able to take care of all of my parts which are getting activated or hurt or impacted by this situation. And this can lead us to believe that we need to be hyper responsible for our own needs. It can lead us to false beliefs that you must never put the burden onto another of asking for them to meet your needs or letting them know that something that they've done has had an impact upon you. So you'll probably recognize this if you have been on a long journey of empowerment, if you have been someone who has needed to learn strong boundaries because you didn't used to have any and you've been needing to learn how not to take responsibility, how not to over function, because in the past you did that to your detriment. You will almost certainly also find yourself in this place of feeling that you need to take care of all of your needs before you are lovable enough to be in relationship. This is a common thing that I see on forums, and that I get asked, is...'Do I have to be able to take care of all of my needs?''Do I have to be completely self sufficient, hyper self sufficient, before I'm ready to be in a relationship?' And there isn't a clear answer to that. What I would say is you need to find the middle ground, and for you to find the middle ground on any spectrum, yes, you may need to go to the two extreme polarities of the spectrum to know where the middle is. You can't work out the middle of a piece of string unless you know where the two ends are. And recognizing the middle can be difficult and challenging. So, all of this results in us going to the extreme end of the spectrum, because we started in codependency at the other extremity. So now we're exploring the opposite polarity to find out how long this bit of string is, right? And it results in us having boundaries which alienate intimacy. It creates a highly masculinised version of ourselves. So we become highly masculinised women and we create no space for a man to be able to show up as a protector or a provider for us because we are so busy doing that for ourselves. Men, when they come into relationship with women who have stepped into a hyper independent place, feel impotent. They feel as though there is no space for them to show up as a man. They feel redundant and that they are unwanted, unneeded, and unloved. Even if that is not the truth, that is still their experience. And we, as over independent women who have, rightly so, built up a strong masculine so that we can take care of ourselves, but have failed to erect a strong feminine to balance that, find ourselves unable to lean on other people. Unable to trust and, as a result, unable to work as a team. And we create in relationship, this type of transactional love where I'm only willing to do something for you if you also do something for me. Or because you did something for me, I'm now willing to do something for you, but if you hadn't have done that thing for me, I wouldn't extend myself to accommodate you in this way. When we end up with this very transactional love true love cannot flow. When we end up unable to rely on and lean on other people, and unable to create a deep sense of trust with our beloved, we fail to be able to operate as a dyadic unit, and we end up journeying as two partial strangers together attempting to share a life, and ultimately the intimacy level never deepens strong enough to the point where we really bond as a unit and that unit becomes indestructible and able to stand the test of time. So, what do we do? Well, the irony is that we actually do have to go through this journey to be able to come out the other side. We need to learn what healthy boundaries look like. We need to learn what healthy communication looks like. And we need to learn what healthy responsibility looks like. And we need to stop over functioning. However, nobody teaches us what healthy reliance, healthy trust, healthy bonding, healthy give and take, and healthy sacrifice looks like, so we end up learning all of the things which keep us polarised at the far end of the spectrum without ever truly learning what the middle ground looks like. It's as though we knew what disempowered codependency looked like because we experienced it, and then we've been taught what hyper independent self-responsibility looks like and we get to experience that for a while. And it's right that we do sit in that ground for a period of time so that we can really anchor it into our body. We get a real embodied, felt experiential sense of what it feels like to say 'No', what it feels like to not take responsibility for somebody who is in pain or to leave a need unmet which might cause us to experience discomfort or pain when that void space is left unfilled. And we need to have embodied experience of what it feels like to express our needs, to ask for those to be met from others but also to be able to meet them for ourselves. If we don't truly know how to meet our own needs ourselves' we can't truly communicate to another how they can do that for us, which means that need always remains slightly unmet. Or we become completely reliant in an unhealthy way for our man to meet that need for us, but never truly understanding what it is that they are doing, which then keeps us hooked into needing them, rather than being with them out of choice. So, let's look at what this middle ground looks like. I'm going to do this by looking at what is codependency versus what is appropriate bonding and what is trauma bonding versus appropriate bonding. So, responsibility in codependency looks like this... you expect your man to help you out and then you get angry and frustrated when he doesn't. Or you want your man to help you out, but you secretly believe that he won't so you don't even ask for him to do it because it's too painful for you to expose the vulnerability of that need just for it to go unmet and for you to feel rejected. In appropriate bonding, you rely on your man to help you out when you're struggling, because you know that you're a team and you also know that if he doesn't help you out on one or more occasions, it's not a lack of him not wanting to. It's not a lack of him showing up or being lazy. It's genuinely because he doesn't have capacity or ability in that moment to do that for you. And you know that deep in your core. So there is no resentment, there is no frustration, there is no anger, because there's a deep understanding that your man has your back and if he could help you out, he would. Accommodating people in codependency looks like... doing things for your man because you feel like you have to, or because you feel like if you don't do it, nobody else is going to do it. Accommodating people in appropriate bonding looks like... doing things for your man because you genuinely want to support him and you know that he will support you the same. You don't do it because he supports you the same. You do it because you genuinely want to support him. You want the best for him and because you're in a team, a dyadic unit, you know that he will also do the same for you. This is about having each other's back. This is very much what I spoke to in episode number two. I speak a lot about having each other's back. So, go listen to that if this is a new concept for you or you need to learn more about it. How it looks to receive in codependent relating is... you expect your partner to do things for you because you do things for them. So you expect to receive because you have given. In appropriate bonding, you ask your man to meet whatever your need is. That might be something like accompanying you to an event, or it might be giving you a massage, or cooking a meal for you. However, you are completely open for him to say 'No'. You are completely capable of going to the event by yourself, you are completely capable of finding some other way to receive the massage, and you are completely capable of cooking your own dinner. However, you might be tired and it might just be a nice thing for you to receive, if you're feeling to ask that of your partner. Now, how sacrifice looks in codependent relating is... you give up things that feel important to you not because you truly want to, and not because you are choosing from a place of sovereign empowered choice, but because you feel you have to. And because you are doing it from a disempowered place, you feel resentful about doing this. This is where resentment really builds up in codependent relationships which is why they become so toxic and why they become so damaging, and why we've all spent a ton of money on empowerment journeys trying to get away from these. Sacrificing from a place of appropriate bonding looks like... knowing that you have complete choice, you can continue doing the thing you're going to do. It might well result in the end of your relationship, and you are willing to experience that if you choose to continue doing it. It also means that you are valuing being in the relationship more than your attachment to whatever the thing is that you are sacrificing. So you are consciously and very deliberately choosing with a full and open heart that you are willing to let go of whatever this thing is that you're sacrificing in order to create deeper intimacy and deeper bonding in the relationship with your beloved. But you must find other ways to meet the underlying needs that the activity or behavior was meeting. If you don't meet the underlying needs, those needs will go unmet and you will build resentment and you will build frustration and anger towards your partner. You will create toxic dynamics. Trust in a codependent relationship is very conditional. Trust is not freely given and trust is very, very easily broken in codependent relationships. In a relationship with appropriate bonding, trust is solid and given, and even when your partner makes mistakes, the trust remains intact. You are able to know that just because your partner made a mistake, it does not mean that they have broken your trust. It means that they did not realize that what it was that they were doing would create a problem for you, and you are able to see their highest good and their best intention to know that they did not mean any harm. Do you see the subtleties between how these things look? So, you can see that the dynamics between codependent bonding and appropriate bonding can look very, very similar, but they are different. And I'm hoping that the differences are clear for you because I also want to cover the difference between trauma bonding and appropriate bonding because this can be a hidden mine that we don't know about. Which is really important to know about. So, in healthy bonding you will create deep intimacy and very deep connection with your beloved. Trauma bonding can feel the same, but it is not. The definition of trauma bonding is that as a child or young person, you developed a belief that love needs to be painful. And for you to experience love, you must also experience pain as part of that dynamic. So, you find yourself in relationship with people who both love you, and adore you, and shower you with love in certain ways, which allows you to bond with them, but then they also abuse you or neglect you or cause you pain. Now, a lot of the textbook definitions of trauma bonding state that this is only done by narcissistic partners, or abusive partners. I want to actually correct that because that is not true. This can also just be done by getting into a relationship with somebody who has a different relating style or attachment style to you, which is highly detrimental for your well being. So, an example would be someone who is extremely anxious attaching, getting into a relationship with somebody who is extremely avoidant attaching. Now, neither of these people are intending to be manipulative, or abusive, or toxic. However, this dynamic will be excruciatingly painful for both parties and will almost certainly uncover a trauma bond where you will have had the same relating pattern with probably one of your primary caregivers aka your mum, or your dad, or whoever it was that brought you up. You find yourself attracted to these people even though you know they're not good for you. You find yourself going into relationship with these people thinking...'Oh, God, I really shouldn't. I really shouldn't' But you are unavoidably attracted to them. Something in you just draws you into these relationships and you find yourself in love with these people before your rational brain has had a chance to say...'No, don't do this!' Even if your rational brain is telling you...'Don't get into this relationship. If it's me...'Don't get into this relationship. Natalie! I've had this. So let me speak of my own experience for a moment... Even if my rational brain is telling me...'Natalie, you always go for these type of men.''You always go for these avoidant men...''They never manage to meet you on emotional levels.''They never manage to show up for you...''They always abandon you when things get hard.''This is always a painful dynamic for you.''Don't do it, Natalie! Don't do it, Natalie!' And yet every single time, the thing that hooks us in, and this is how you know it's a trauma bond, the thing that hooks us in is...'But this time it's going to be different!''But this time he's going to change!' But this time, I'll be the one that he actually shows up for. I'll be the one who he finally confesses his undying love for and learns how to be emotionally available for. Put your hand up in a big way if you have recognized this pattern in yourself. Hell! Yes! The hook that we know that it is a trauma bond is that we go into relationship believing that they will change and this time I will get what it is that I'm craving in this dynamic. This is the part of us that is trying to heal and trying to get a different outcome. So I want to really, really stress... Don't shame yourself for this experience. This is a deep wound in your psyche which can be healed. Completely can be healed. I healed it in myself for sure. It can be held with therapy or it can be healed with other techniques, such as things that I teach inside Enchanted Academy for Love. So, do not be fooled that you cannot change these patterns. You can. I changed from being extremely anxious attachment to now being secure attachment. I would always go for avoidant partners I now go for... well, I'm now in relationship with, and will only allow myself to be in relationship with somebody who is securely attached. So I broke the cycle. I've actually got a written piece about this on my medium channel. If you go to Enchanted Academy for Love on Medium, you will find there's an article on there called something like...'How I Broke the Cycle of Trauma Bonding.' Something like that. So, whilst a healthy, appropriate bonded relationship can experience very deep levels of intimacy, deep levels of intensity, deep levels of connection, and it will also act as a vehicle for you to journey to the parts of you that don't trust, and that are not healed in relationship, you can ask yourself this one question to ascertain 'is this a trauma bonding relationship or is this a healthy bonding relationship?' The question is this...'If I knew that I deserved better than this, would I walk away from this relationship?' If your answer is yes, you are in a trauma bonding relationship and you need to walk away. Don't half-arse it. Don't give it a partial attempt. Actually, get support, get accountability from someone who knows how to support you through this. The dangers when we are in trauma bonding relationships is that we fixate on the good and we ignore the bad. We make excuses for the bad or we defend them when other people highlight, 'Hey, that doesn't look too healthy!' We come up with reasons as to why they are the way they are or we're putting up with the things we're putting up with. So catch yourself if you are doing this and notice if you're running a belief that love comes with pain, abuse or neglect, because it does not. If you are ready to turn around your trauma bonding in relationship and turn around your hyper independence so that you can find a relationship with secure attachment, and develop appropriate healthy bonding in relationship... If you are truly ready to do this, then drop me a message and come into one of our containers in Enchanted Academy for Love that will support you to not only transform these behaviors, but we will also support you the whole way through the process to go out there and find your Forever Man until you get into the actual relationship with your Forever Man. And then we also offer support for the first six to nine months of you being in that relationship. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being open and receptive to what I'm teaching. Please do like, subscribe, and share to get this message out there, so that ultimately more women can have their Happy Ever After, because that's exactly what this channel is all about. If you've got any questions or comments, check us out on YouTube, the Enchanted Love podcast. You can leave questions or comments there, and we will read those. I hope you have enjoyed this episode, and I look forward to connecting with you on the next one.